Flogged by Slimey Blog Spam

I cannot believe that this new frontier of freedom of speech has been infected by the scum of auto comment spam.

True I've been asleep at the proverbial blog wheel and didn't notice that it had happened. I s'ppose I'm a trustin' soul, a little naive.

But shit.

I don't want no spam.

Thank goodness the good people of blogspot have a setting that I put into use. It requires commentors to type a word in a little box. This prevents the auto comments. Meaning you must be a living breathing being to make a comment. Now, I cannot control the actual words or content that is used. I would hope that the comment is thoughtful response or helpful insight or information. Keep you meanness, your negativity, your foul language to yourself. Please

But I'm telling you. I'm so pissed I have shut off the ability of viewers to see comments, too. I'm as very much triggered by this rape of blog space. This is consecrated ground. Not me or my words, but my space, my intent. I've been breached. It's triggered my protectiveness, stubborness, my scorpio sign. I've become waspish and am likely to sting.

I will not be used as some puppet, some platform for anyone else's crackpot, socio-political evils designs.

Exceptin' they're my own, of course.

Because I still want to hear from you, gentle readers. You can still make comments. Only I can see them. Only live people may make them. Only registered blogspot users may comment.

Maybe that will help. I hope so.

The Theory of Sludge

Sludge is not a highly technical term but it has spurned some pondering.

Sludge can muddy the mental, emotional, physical etc works in such a way to have the following effects:

Sludge in the body - can mean constipation, whose symptons are crankiness, lethargy, the desire to lay down immediately and sleep.

Mental/emotional sludge looks like black thoughts and mood, confusion, dissatisfaction.

This revelation came after a highly productive episode in the, uh, bathroom, when clean as a whistle I felt light, clear headed, "up", happy, optimistic. No kidding. Serious. The bathroom is a very creative place.

Applying the sludge-less state of being to life - to career, I imagine that Zen like state to look like this - confident, calm, flexible, full of vigor and fun, ready to laugh, share oneself andyour ideas, things not getting to you. Imagine going through life where "things" don't stick to you like burrs under your skins. They hit and fall leaving nothing behind. Teflon.

Not talking about not having good feelings - not at all. Good 'n happy boundries.

Think about it - a sludge-less society.

Geez, I think I got ADD

Dear Jane,

Thanks to your recent coverage on ADD - I think I got it. ADD.

Not kidding, here. ADD would explain so very many things about how I behave, how I work, how I love. Attention. I can be hyper-focused - I've called it previously mentally and emotionally myopic - or I cannot get my shit together enough to even leave in the morning on time. I feel ready to leave and then I don't. Where's my book? I had my keys; I put them down - where? What are they doing there, just tossed into my purse or on the microwave in front of my toaster. Should I take a different pair of shoes? Do I need to mail that bill? Where's that phone number. OH FORGET IT - I'M LATE!

Today, I was going to go to the library and then a movie (maybe). I pulled together a handful of books to go back, a bottle of water, my list, one that I had spent a long time putting together.

I got to my car. In it. Reaching for my seatbelt. Low and behold no list. I was sure I had it. Not in my pocket. Not in my wallet. Not loose in my purse. Shit. So I start my car, turn it around and position it for maximum exit convenience. I jog back into my building. Ah ha! It's there on the couch. Grab it. Like it's some recalcitrant 8 year old. Reverse my trek to my car.

I get to the library and realize I left my books behind. Grrr.
But I did have a bag to put my new books in. Hmm. In the check out line I realize the bag is in the car.

And I can't tell you how many times I've burned the butter in my pan. I eat eggs virtually everyday.

This is my am ritual:

I hop out of bed, go to the bathroom, come back to the bedroom and turn on my 5 year old iMac (on its last legs - the image shimmers). I head for the kitchen and take my morning supplements including my new thyroid medicine, which sometimes I can't remember if I took, cause I get distracted by something a thought, a car outside...then I grab my electric toothrbrush which lives in my bedroom because believe or not - there isn't a place for it in the bathroom. I begin the 2 minute ritual. Ah, the mac is up, I double click the little world icon.

By the time I'm spitting and pulling the yard of floss out, the internet is up and I log on to my email. I can thoroughly floss my teeth by the time I can click on "inbox".

Now, if I want a guaranteed burnt pan, I'll start the butter and start to look at email. 10 minutes later some internal alarm goes off, I jump and curse and run to the kitchen. Burnt butter.

I have a new habit now. I stand over the pan because I realized it's not a "waste" of time and it doesn't really take that much time to melt butter. While it melts, I start my toast (this takes two toasts to be perfect). I crack my eggs into the pan and return to my mac.

They cook slowly enough, I don't often burn them. Though I often get rubbery eggs.

Once they're done, I remember to pop the toast down again. So the eggs are usually heading for cool by the time I'm buttering my "perfect" toast.

OK. Do you see an attention problem?

I do.

I'm doing research. The funny thing is that I went to the library today to check out books on ADD. I think actually that I'm relieved that this may be a reason for a whole host of things that have gotten in my way, frustrated me to no end, and heavily contributed to my not finding my way in the world at least not easily and not as I would have liked.

My therapist would probably ask me to rethink such certainty - about having ADD and it explaining "everything. "But for now I'm willingly, joyfully, grasping at this straw. To me, it looks like a lifesaver.

Wouldn't you like to be able to make sense of yourself. For once. Finally?

Testing is required to diagnosis ADD. Testing is not in this temp's budget right now. But when I do I'll get back to you...

...if I don't get distracted.

Blue

"Bluuuuuuuu, u oo uuu oh so lonesome for you...why can't you be lonesome over me"

I am a Lean Rymes fan (forgive any mispelling - I'm a-tired). But she's crooning on The Bear as I type.

She shocked and wowed a nation when at 13 this blond little girl channeled eerily a true Patsy Cline sound, presence and power. Amazing. She's still knocking the hits out.

Wow. truly touched by the angels with this gift.

Sarah Vowell

Those of you who listen to This American Life and other NPR programs are probably familiar with the amazing Sarah Vowell. And now the voice of the daughter in Pixar's The Incredibles. OK - how talented can you be?

The first time I saw Ms. Vowell, she was reading from Partly Cloudy Patriot (I think) on CNN-book. She is about 5 3. Brunette. She looks about umm 20 (She's about 35). She sounds like a a 5 year old with a deep voice. She explained why in one of her interviews with Terry Gross.

Anyway she's quirky and unique and makes you chuckle. I just started to read Take the Cannoli. I've already read how she bonded with her father over a canon he forged and her inability to play an instrument because of the shape of her jaw. Go figure.

It's hard to believe that I am only now finally reading her work. The library, even now, sending an audio recording of "Patriot" to my favorite library branch. I wait with baited breath.

My day is ending on my new temp assignment. At a temp agency.

Jane Pauley's show on Happiness

I recently TiVo'd (yes a new verb) Ms. Pauley's show which explored Happiness.

Who is happy...what makes people happy etc.

OK so this is what I learned.

* People who had or were more:
Beautiful or Wealth - were only slighly more happy then the average person.

*Studies indicate that 50% of our happiness quotient is DNA.

*The 50% - we less happier folks can do something about (yahoo!!).

Happier people: were healthier, had better jobs, tended to be married, lived longer, had fewer accidents. (There's more, of course).

And the interesting and key thing is that the strategies that helped make them happy were habits, ways of living, that the less happy people can learn.

So here are strategies for becoming happier (not all work for everyone, choose what works for you).

Prescription: Practice 5 happy booster habits each week. Rate your happiness on a 1-10 scale and see whether / how you notice your happiness levels increase.

1) Do nice things for others, be kind, help others out
(increases self esteem, your interconnectedness with others, friendship).
2) Count your blessings, i.e., be happy for the things you DO have
3) Practice forgiveness (I would think forgiving yourself is included)
4) Quit Comparing yourself to others (oy, how many women do that?!)
5) Savor the moment (working, playing with you children, a good meal etc.)
6) Get busy and stop over-thinking everything!

And though it's not included, I would add:

Pet's
I understand that if you have a pet, your stress levels decrease. Loving someone besides yourself.

I know that blood pressure decreases when you hug someone.

Sex:
There is a study that indicates sex contributes to health - there must be many advantages - there's an enormous amount of touch and stimulation - cardio vascular strengthening, your heart, your imagination is exercised. Even semen contributed to a woman's health - at the moment I can't remember how... Oxytocin is released and gives you a sense of love and well-being.

Exercise increases 5HTP even for short amounts of period of time. Happiness boosters amino acids. Get some light - especially during winter!

A few weeks ago, I listed my own 2005 initiatives - the one that springs to my mind was:

Loving the people I know more. I think that that might include: #'s 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and even 6 above.

Be happy.

So, I want to be Jane Pauley when I grow up.

I think I've become addicted.

I watch Jane Pauley.

I want to be Jane Pauley when I grow up.

Let's deconstruct.

She's beautiful. Smart. Accomplished. Knowledgeable. Stylish. Genuine. And Kind.

I watch her and she is engrossed and engaged with each and every one of her guests. Her very being radiates warmth and acceptance and respect. Her sense of humor is close by, twinkling and her "being-there-ness" is boundless.

She reminds me of how we could be our best if we were just like her.

We'd all be kindler, gentler if we were like Jane.

Karmic Experience

I have been in a cleaning and removing mood in my home lately. I'm not working and it is really needed.

Anyway the other day, I packed up a bag full of books to toss on top of the public library bin (that's where folks leave free for all books).

When I came out of the library from browsing - the bag and books were gone. Phwt. Disappeared. I was glad someone could use what I gave away. Good feeling.

Two days later I returned to browse and check out more books (I have a slight "more" problem - you know... just one more, what'll it hurt etc.) and the library tech looked at my mountain of books and said would you like a bag? I sighed and smiled and said, "yes" gratefully.

When I got home and unloaded the books I looked at the bag.

It was MY bag. From the other day.

I just howled.

Karma.

Tsunami Relief - You Can Make a Difference

So many are coming to the aid of South East Asia.

But I'm wondering, especially in the U.S., how many of us are saying, I would love to help, but I just can't afford it.

Think of this.

If everyone gave $1.00. One Dollar. That would be a lot.

Think about it. Send in a dollar. or $2.00 or $5.00 or even $20.00. Contribute the cost of a matinee movie ($7.00) or the cost of a chinese food take out $22.00.

We can all afford to do a little something. Right?

Red Cross:

https://www.redcross.org/donate/donation-form.asp

Back to Work

I am very excited about my tap class. I've been dreaming about finding a really good class.

It is every dancer's dream to find a good fit. If you don't it means the class is too big, parking sucks, the instructor is weird or mean or something, or too far to go. Or just not "right."

If I get home tonight at a reasonable time, I'm going to go and try the lyrical jazz class. Great name, huh! Have no clue what this means. But I'm sure to write 'cha about it.

Nothing like a class like that to give your life zing.

I'm tellin' ya. It's what makes life worth livin' fer.

More Shopping

Ironing board
deoderant
tap shoes
jazz shoes
female pleasuring device

a movie

gas
library
post office

home

aaaaah

a most satisfying Sunday.

The Storm has arrived in ernest

It's Ernest in the City.

It's pouring with little windows, little pauses of respite. It's like some poor little girl crying buckets with a gasps, punctuating the downpour.

Poor thing.

Go ahead and cry. I feel your pain.

I'll burrow in, warm, and quiet and wait it out.

Saturday Morning

I'm rushing around this morning trying to get some chores done before I show the apartment. I've got great "starter" energy. I "start" my toast which needs to be toasted twice at certain settings to get the perfect golden crunch. Then I brush my teeth with my braun. I floss.

Then I strip my bread while the butter is melting. And even as I'm writing this, my eggs are cooking both the semi-scrambled ones and the hard boiled ones for next week's breakfasts.

Tried and true. Hard boiled eggs, a banana, caffeine-free tea, rice breaded, toasted with butter. Keeps me going for most of the morning.

Close one - I had to flip the eggs. The other pot is beginning to steam but not boiling yet. 10 min to go.

Open house is at 10:30. Will they be prompt?

Better go and get my hair and face in order.

Then I'm ready! Phew.

and Good Morning to you.

2005 Bay Area Shows & Opportunities

Periodically and especially as the year begins and ends, I look at the seasons for the year to see where I'd like to audition.

I've been working to climb out of the ensemble for years. I am verging on more perfoming possibilities. This also means that there are actually fewer choices.

I'm a soprano with a high belt. I have great comic timing. I'm attractive, short, and thankfully youthful looking - I trick people all the time about my age. I am not an ingenue. If I'm lucky, I'm the comic lead or supporting or bit player.

There are also "straight" plays (this is a common term for a show that's not a musical).

This is what I'm looking at:

Masquers is doing Ruthless
Altarena - Cabaret
Altarena - Crimes of the Heart
ACLO - Damn Yankees - God I'd love to be Lola!

I'm not a Camelot fan. Too bad. Douglas Morrisson Theatre is doing that - one of the best facilities for community players in the Bay Area. Bathrooms in the dressing room! A rehearsal room! The amazing and talented Kim Tolman designs their sets. What a great person too. I love that place. One show converted me.

Oh yes, CCCT is doing Cole Porter's silly (but wonderful music) Anything Goes - The part I'd love is called Bonnie in one production and Irma in the other - no idea why the name got changed. She's the gangster's "friend". She's is very funny, smart, and she dances and gets a song. Sounds perfect for me! We'll see...

You may be wondering about SF. Well there isn't a lot of musical theater in the City for amateurs. There is 42nd Street Moon - they cast, they audition by invitation. And there's that bridge to cross. Not a fun commute. I prefer to stay in the East Bay.

Well...I'll think on it.

I braved the storm but not the Bay Bridge and went shopping!

I yearned deeply to spend some money. To hunt, to sniff out, to find a deal at Ross. Sometimes you find the most wonderful things. Spatulas. Pitchters with cherries on them or red headed cocks. Or a Blue satin, full length dress. Ahhhh.

Actually I first went to a discount shoe place. I've been jonesing for boots for ages. Because of all that ballet, I built up these major calves. I'm strong, sure, but they don't fit in full length boots. Enough to make a grown up girl cry.

Today! I found a pair of 3/4 length, wine-colored boots. They're beautiful. They're soft. They're gorgeous. I feel so grown up. And they feel great. I am so happy. I found too another pair of comfy shoes I can wear to work with my pants.

On to discount clothing store....

So it was pretty thin. But it has been months since I've been there. They have a petite's section now. Men you don't understand. But when you buy pants and they're not from Nordstrom's,(where they hem pants you buy there for free) you have to hem them - or pay someone to hem them. Hemming, with no lining, is about $25.00 or more a pair!! With the way I shop, my pants often cost less than that - so do you think I want to pay $25 bucks. No way. So you can see, petites are a great value.

I found some jeans - they're not "hip" but, hey, fit. I found a cute black skirt - a great buy at $4.49 - yes that's right - no typo. There was a button missing thus the price. And a pair of black flowing pants marked laughingly as "petite" when they were, I swear, regular length, meaning, uhm, about 4 inches too long.

You smart and competent people are saying - so hem them yourself. You don't know me. I've tried. I once used this great stuff that is called magic something. You put it between the two pieces of cloth, iron it and it fuses the cloth together. Magic.

The pair I tried: one leg went great then the other leg well - I fused them inside out. That mean I reversed hemmed it. I don't want to try to explain it but let's just say the pair were ruined. Good thing they were cheap pants. I didn't have the heart to give them away. There in a dark corner on the floor of my closet, they lie. If I gave them away, someone would find them and laugh at the idiot who did that. I'd just know they would be laughing.

OK back on track....

Then I went shopping at TJ's -- all these stores are clustered in Emeryville - in those ugly mini-malls that inhabit our world now. I hate the parking lot. Don't get me started. It catches you in a web - easy in. Then trying to get out, you have to keep going right - away from where you want to go! Grrrh.

$99.00 later I was flush with food.
Dolmas - 2 cans
Bag of chicken breasts, mechanically separted. EEuw.
Vegge juice, low sodium
Bananas
Green Beans
2 loafs of Spelt bread
2 cartons of cage free eggs. (happy chicken eggs) - something so potently weird about this).
2 things of just blueberry juice (anti-oxidant) - the wrong brand!
lunch meat for snacking - who puts in on bread!
Vitamin water
popcorn - already popped. yes sort of silly - but cheap at .99
molasses chews
chocolate

no movie today. But I do have a dvd to watch. Thursday I found "my big fat" for $3.99! That's a deal and a cute watch.

I love a good deal. It gives me a tickle.

My life, the Musical

I am home today - I arrange as often as possible with my contract assignments to be paid a minimum of $20/hr and to have Fridays off. Fridays are my day to go and have a voice lesson in SF. Then the icing of this cake is to eat lunch with my lovely teacher, during which we talk about singing, performing, work, life, and just about anything.

She is one of the most special people in my life and has had the most positive, constructive impact to my well being as well as my development as a singer and performer.

She is an angel on earth.

But this damn storm riding in a dark grey sky is precluding me from the drive across a bridge through nasty traffic (on a good day). And so I'm here - planning to go grocery shopping and maybe see "a very long engagement". I'll be sure to blog my review.

I subscribe to Playbill which shoots 2-3 emails to me each day describing discount deals on shows in New York. I want to be apprised of what is hot, what's going on. Just in case I plan a trip there. And I just want to know.

I've never been there though since I was about ten, my dream was to be a triple threat on Broadway. Big dreams. Never realized.

I do, however, sing and dance in community productions and recently actually had a substantial role in a revue. It was a coup. Rehearsal was hell - put perfectionism plus insecurity ='s hell.

As I logged on to TAG today, I was sitting (as you will with an iMac that is about 5 years old and slow as molasses) thinking about a topic.

Real art is inpsired by life. My life is drenched with musical and movie phrases, quotes, images. I start a sentence and it's something from a song. And if you don't know musical theater - the irony would just be lost on you (on one). I'm not sure if that's sad or funny or a sign of who I am.

When I was 10 I saw touring companies Chicago and A Chorus Line. Now I'm dating myself. Those shows - their tremendous energy, and flash, and heart, and heat seared me to the core. *That* is what I wanted to do. *This* is who I was.

I was ready to spring from my seat and join them onstage. I was ready, as I bounced out of the theater, to dance and sing in the streets. I was a star. And I just knew this was my destiny.

How was I to know that the limits of life would form my character and relationship to theater. That I would never "make it" on the professional stage (at least so far) - be that triple threat on Broadway? I am a true amateur and proud of it. Amateur means for the love of. If you're a pro, it just means you get paid. Which would I rather be? Which would you?

So I perform. And really I've made, am making, my dreams come true.

Just not on Broadway.

It's a wonderful blog life

Noun: blog - web log
Verb: I blog, He blogs, she blogs we are blogging together (sounds sexy, eh?)
Hmmm- I've been blogged!
You're out of your bloggin' mind!
What a blog on that one.
Get the blog out of here.

It's much better than those stupid cyber pets. You have to feed them. They wimper this really irritating sound.

Your blog, however, waits patiently for you. It doesn't wee-wee on the carpet when it's jealous. It doesn't "die" from a little neglect. It's sweet. It doesn't argue (though you other bloggers may).

Ah yes, it's a wonderful blog life

Judgment Recovery - My new baby business

If you had a judgment and you wanted to get your money back, you could hire a Judgment Recovery (aka Enforcement) Specialist.

What words or names would make you want to call a particular professional / company?

Words of aggression? e.g.: (grab-my-money)
Class? (Pinnacle, Champion- true names)
Stealth? (Bloodhound)

hmmm cast your vote.

You see, I am becoming one of these professionals.

Many great names, however, are in use - dag- nabit!

This American Girl would like your opinion:
fyi...
for more info on this check out:
http://www.nationaljudgment.net/wsj.htm


Here are some FAQ's
http://www.nationaljudgment.net/faqs.htm

Many of you who are worried about my rest...

Will be thrilled to know that I slept 8 hours last night. Woo Hoo!

still tired.

still got the bags under my eyes. sigh.

I just called my dentist and made an appointment for my crown prep. It is with great sorrow that my tooth will be ground down and fitted for a crown.

Can't stand the idea of sitting in a chair for 2 hours either - yuck. Cleanings are bad enough. Right?!

But around my birthday, I realized I needed to take some action in my life. So with my health I've been working on diet and mood for over a year. What needs to happen to get even more on track is getting my thyroid on track. I now have an appointment to speak with the specialist - probably go on a daily drug.

Health is the key word. I suspect that I will sleep better and feel much better. Can't tell you how much I am looking forward to it!

TAG

This American Girl is Ad-Enabled

Yep, this TAG is a capitalist.

I will be watching with pealed eye and bated breath the kinds of ads, Google picks for my blog to show.

Guess I should watch my language. So if I start using the word. SEX. Will I get SEX ads?

I hope not. My mother would have a kaniption. No I don't know how to spell Kaniption. I am sure some Yiddish enabled person out there will. But I'm not holding my breath.

After all these years...

Is it possible that I don't have anything to say?

I think I'm just "working it out".

But I look at my blogs and think to myself. Who is this chick, anyway?

I'll figure it out.

TAG

I'm so Happy

I have eaten lunch.

I have seen God.

I am happy.

Hear that? Yes that! It is...the songs of Heaven emanating from my stomach..aaaahhhhh.

TAG

It's Wednesday already

Where's my blog when my mind is spinning at 5:19 am? I am so very witty and very insightful. Yet the rest of me just wants to sleep. Amen.

Cause the first thing I wanted to say when I started writing is. I'm so tired. You'd think I was someone who'd never slept with the way I keep saying this in my blog. How un-interesting is that?

Only slightly less interesting than my love life.

So here were are in the new year. I'm a single girl who doesn't drink or "party". I love to dance. I like to go to the theater, the ballet, movies.

Somehow my dad saying over and over that community theater is NOT the place to meet men has gotten through, drilled right through the haze of denial. He was right. Oh sure there are nice gay men. And nice married men. And nice married gay men!

Now you guys out there, if you want a woman - do community theater. The women will be interesting, attractive, maybe even funny. And single - Hello? anyone out there - is this thing on?

Shooting fish in a barrell.

Where the hell is the disconnect between men and women. God is laughing his/her head off over wee mortals, bumping around like little blind shlemeils missing each other totally.

Gentleman,
excuse me...but I could use some of your "wisdom" (be that as it may - and be that it as you are a complete stranger to me, and I'm taking it with a gigantic grain of salt) - but where do nice girls meet nice guys these days?

Please don't tell me to start attending basketball, football, or soccer games. I'm just not into sports. Something more viable and not expensive, please. Leave out online dating and those $1000-10,000 services that rip you off.

Yes, men, girls are tired of players, muscle men, biker boys, little boys wanting the ever present booby. Girls aka Women want a nice, funny, solid man - well for the long run anyway. Well this one does. Sure we LOVE our fantasies. Sure we LOVE hot fun sex. But after the sex we want to do something else. We want to trust our men. We (maybe I should just say I, huh,) I want to cuddle - go out for Thai food, catch a movie and laugh my guts out. Is that really so much to ask?

I'm not using my blog to find my next man. I just needed to rant a little. And maybe learn a little more about men - from you!

If you comment on this, ladies and gentlemen. keep it kleen.

TAG.

Maybe it should be..."Gotta Blog Blog"

so you'd have to be a Producers, the musical, fan to get that one.

Anyway. I'm working away. I'm so proud of myself. I haven't had to blog for, hmm, 2 hours! maybe I'm addicted. Good God in heaven.! Save me!

(oops almost did an elipses! -- bad girl bad girl)

maybe work makes me hungry.

maybe work makes me, well. bored.

don't tell my bosses. they're such nice people.
so, i got a chuckle when I unwrapped a wall calendar for the person i'm temping for. it's all whippets. Yes she is a HUGE fan. Owns two little whippets. Couldn't help humming..."whippet! whippet good, dunh dunh dunh dunh - whippet!" - ok. too easy.

Can YOU BLAME ME!

back to work...still hungry

bye Matt - the only one in the Universe who has yet to (sob) comment on my blog! hint hint.

TAG. You're it.

It's Tuesday and...

Got da Blog, Got da Blog (sing loud!)

finally! i got some good rest. feeling less tired.

Whoo hoo. It's a new year.

And I'm wondering.

What the hell do I do next?

Naming my business is turning out harder to do than I thought!

Thought I came up with a great name! Then turns out someone owns the URL.

I'd like my business name to be the same as my url - ya know.

Any business owners want to weigh in on naming my business?

The business is:

Judgment Recovery aka Enforcement.

TAG

From a Newbie to Experienced Bloggers

The advice is to narrow one's blog topic.

My life wouldn't constitute "narrow".

So I'm asking you all, the experienced bloggers.

Should I be creating other blogs around more narrow topics?

If you're out there....let me know.

My a blog break out would be about
performing
love
work
family & friends....

what'dya think?

This American Girl wants to know.

Thanks in advance, bloggers.

TAG. You're It.

It's Monday Morning....sigh

First - hey thanks, Matt for your nice idea....

It's the new year and it feels different. Maybe I am different. Do you feel different?

Anyway back in the saddle again. I'm tired. Still. Slept pretty well last night - at least I was able to go back to sleep every time so that was good.

Today, I am going to check out belly dancing classes, mail box for rent places (for new business), and hmmmm, double check on my "name" for my business.

I challenge ya'll to make some step towards your initiatives today too.

TAG for now.

It's only 10:30pm!

and I'm sooooo tired.

I blogged for hours. I finally ate. I watched the second part of the last season of Sex and the City - I can't believe Carrie ended up with Big whose name is really John! Isn't that ironic. I thought perhaps that Carrie would end up. Single. so that's an interesting wind up.

any way...

i finally made it to Jo's annual new year's party. Jo lost her mother this year and was feeling her loss. shortly before i left, we toasted her memory, pointing out drinks to the empty recliner that was her favorite.

it was a very sad moment because it reminds me of the days at some future time that I will be experiencing that loss and I just can't stand the idea of losing my mother. Terror and fear grips my heart and gut with that unimaginable thought.

i am so tired....

goodnight.

Identity

What is so alluring about blogger to me at this moment is that I can say whatever I want and no one knows who I am. yet.

I'm wondering how many of you bloggers desire this anonymous state or do you want people to know exactly who you are - at least your identity.

If I'm not known, then my friends, family, foes do not have the opportunity to pass judgement on me - and I am free from the worry of their judgment of me.

I am not one to expose myself to those who care and criticize me.

You - who I don't know, I am comfortable to tell you what is on the surface and depth of my mind.

As I enter the blog world, a part of me i searching to be known. isn't it a conundrum. if i don't want to be known and i want to be known, hmmm. that means i can't just say, "hey, mom, dad, susie,...check out my blog..." because don't I not want them to know it's me!

what do you say, bloggers? and other readers?

TAG. Your it.

Newbie - Oy there is a lot to learn

So much to learn....

I've been surfing the blogger site, looking for clues as to how to make my page better and attract readers (and comments).

Please send me your advice on this.

I'm hungry. Time to eat!

New Year: 2005 Initiatives

First of all,

Happy New Year, All!

I hope it was truly wonderful.

The show went very well and we were sold out for both of our shows!

This morning I woke and as I lay in my bed, I thought about this new year.

i don't care for the word resolultions. how many of you spend much time actually resolving to do anything? can you imagine any venture having "resolutions"?

So I thought, though very 'corporate' sounding, that I'd design some initiatives.

Here are my starters:
1) love my friends and family more.

i was having a "no place like home" feeling last night at the theater. as i waited, dressed, got help being pinned into my dress, another helping me with my hair, and just being plain wowed and touched by the talent and efforts of my friends, i felt like a veil was being lifted from my eyes. many of these wonderful people had been my theater friends for years and yet i was seeing and feeling touched so much being in their presence.

maybe it's not possible to hold on to new 'vision' of my friends - but a new awareness i hope is dawning.

we may come into the world alone and die alone - but on this journey between these bookends we witness, are witnessed by and touch by many many souls. so i'm letting them touch me more and i hope touching them more.

which leads me to my second initiative....

2) To nurture, champion, support other people's dreams. Artisitic, humanistic, professional, romantic...

So I am issuing a call to you, reaching out into the unknown, to tell me your dreams. The only thing I ask is that you don't, post anything that is racist, XXX rated, hateful, ugly, mean etc...you know what I mean.

I am looking for the sweet whisper, the deep yearning in your heart, gut, head.

Tell me all about it.

My invitation is open. There is no expiration date on dreams.

Greetings, All & Beginnings and Endings

OK. so how appropriate is it that I begin my very first blog on the eve of a new year 2005?

this is a beginning. correct? yet today is the end. of a year.

Let's begin with endings:

in this past week the world has suffered great anguish and loss. many have died, many will die.

susan sontag died of cancer (the second and different cancer she had). jerry orbach, just 61, died of cancer. i love Mr Orbach.

i am feeling older today. Liz Manelli fell out of bed. How scary is that this singer-dancer is getting to an age where she falls out of bed and is hospitalized! Everyone else is getting older too. Ben kingly is 61 today. i remember watching Gandhi. Wasn't that only a few years ago?Nope. Sigh.

I am marking, celebrating, the ending of the year, by performing. Where the boys are it's a Connie Francis song from the late 50's - story of my life.

Here are the lyrics:

Where the boys are
Someone waits for me
A smiling face
A warm embrace
Two arms to hold me tenderly

where the boys are
my true love will be
he's walking down some street in town
And I know he's looking there for me

In a crowd of a million people
I'll find my valentine
Then I'll climb to the highest steeple
And tell the world he's mine

till he holds me
I wait impatiently
Where the boys are
Where the boys are
Where the boys are

Someone waits for me.

(so where are they. exactly?)

So! Endings before beginnings - that's how it works in real life not the other way around. one might say - a little back-assward (hey that would be breach, right?!).

So into the breach...Beginnings:

Hello!

This is my first blog.

How am I doing?

Too Long?

Too personal?

Do you even care?

(Wait don't answer that last one. I'm a newbie. be kind. just don't lie to me...)

so, i was saying.

Beginnings:

I am starting this blog and with it making some of my dreams come true- of being a writer, a correspondent, maybe even, (whisper it to yourselfs now: a talk show host type person). Dare I dream this big?

I am at the beginning of a possible, interesting, and hopefully lucrative business to run myself.

This year I will have break throughs with my singing! I am SO excited. I will blog later about singing...and my development, the rampant self crucifying that is not unique to me, the rapture, the work....

This year is about bringing dreams to fruition. Not just dreaming the dreams. Making them walk and talk in the real world.

some things cooking in my head and heart for this year are:

a recital, cabaret singing, open mic's kinds of performing opportunities
returning to dance classes - especially tap, ballet, jazz and trying out ballroom


If I make some real money then...perhaps
I will plan for my first home and / or a rental property

Buy a wizzy new car!!! (But which one? a mini? a bug? a primus? a beamer?)

adopt a cat or a dog

this year is about finding a lover
that is sweet
that is true
that is.
god damn it
available
honest
and loyal.
smart
wonderful
funny
fun
kind.

know a friend between say, 38-43?
well let's just leave that one. for now.

I am signing out for now. Write to me if you are inclined.

Wish me break a leg on my song.

My hope for you is that your dreams come true.

Have a wonderful, fizzy, fantastic, and safe New Year!

(toss confetti. NOW)